I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
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