What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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