I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
