yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
