i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
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