He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
