I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Randomize
