I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
The power of my boobs compel you
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
