Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
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