I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
