we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
stop calling my apartment porn island.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
