My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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