you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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