I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
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