New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You dont lie about slip and slides
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
