Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
