Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
