Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
