Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
