I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
