Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
