Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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