is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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