Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
