She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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