You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
