I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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