I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
