I need help removing her.
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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