Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
3pm strippers are depressing
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
