from now on my penis is your penis
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
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