I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
