are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
