Since when is my name a synonym for head?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
