The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Randomize
