I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
You should frame my arrest warrant.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
Randomize
