I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
