Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
