im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
