How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
