I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
