: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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