I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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