Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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