Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
