What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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