for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
