I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
