when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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