News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
