My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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