HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
I'm really busy with my period
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