You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
