Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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