these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
