He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
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