I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Sext me about skeletons
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
