Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
porn star boner night. come get it.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
