The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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